August 27, 2010

A Long Lapse, but Back in the Spin

So . . . knitting happened. It’s funny that in a regular blog I sometimes lapse due to a lack of things to write about besides the mundane day to day. It’s rarely that I’m too busy to write, though that sometimes happens. In the knitting blog, however, it seems to be the opposite. When I am busy knitting, I don’t write about it. Why would I want to put the needles down if things are raveling along smoothly?

It was not any different this time. I think what derailed me was the lack of a direction with work. I say ‘work’ but what it really feels like I should keep saying is ‘school’ or ‘degree.’ I guess that’s why someone came up with ‘career.’ It is neither just my job or a purely academic pursuit. I have a career? Go figure!

After my defense, I was rudderless for a bit. I wrapped up the loose ends on my project and at the end of last month submitted the FINAL version of the report (because we all know the report is the import part, the part the client is paying for, not my thesis). After that . . . I didn’t have a lot of work. I actually had a week of NO work, which scared me and depressed me while simultaneously it thrilled me because I got to spend almost a whole week at home by myself doing whatever I wanted, which included a good deal of knitting.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA         But even that wore off when I realized the money would also stop when the work did, and that meant less knitting in the long run. So then I scrounged up some work. But it was just that, work. It wasn’t something I cared about. It was someone else’s projects, it was things I am only providing labor for and nothing else. I can wash artifacts like nobody’s business and even mostly enjoy it (if the weather isn’t too shabby), but it’s not mentally stimulating and it has nothing to do with my ‘career.’

I knit. A lot. In fact I think I attempted to replace my lack of mental stimulation at work with knitting. And it seemed to work for awhile. However, I then went through a brief internet-blog related depression. While I struggle indefinitely to live up to my own harsh expectations, it makes it even worse to be able to see how others fly beyond my sad little attempts by miles. The internet is very good at this – making me feel small, terribly inferior and about as creative as a slug. So while I had a brief dream-fantasy of wondering what it might be like to make a living knitting and blogging about it and throwing in equal measures of gardening, canning, and other homely pursuits that I love, it was shortly dashed by the reality that several people much more creative and more interesting than myself already do this. And I long ago came to terms with the fact that I am just not a risk taker. I am a play-it-safe kind of girl and while it makes me sad sometimes, I realize I cannot change it. Or at least not to the degree that I could talk myself into attempting a ‘career’ in knitting.

Anyway, I got over the malaise. See? This is what happens when I am not mentally stimulated and don’t have enough work. Luckily it seems infrequent. When we happened to get a contract for excavation in the Presidio in San Francisco early this month, I jumped at the chance. So while not exactly a ME project, at least I was too busy and physically exhausted after 8 hours a day for 3 weeks to do much day-dreaming. I barely had the energy and hand strength to knit.

There have been a lot of projects slipping on and off the needles between the dish towel and the present. Too many to list and a wide variety of projects. Currently, I am working on socks for Keith and I and a raglan sweater knit from the unraveled Lady Sweater I knit last year and hated. There are other things floating around and a project for Kassies’ wedding also in the mix.

Today I decided to return to this blog because I have been offered a full time position at work (finally) and will be starting a very exciting new chapter in my career (this time without quotes) and am looking forward to the challenges of the new position. So you see I will once again return knitting to it's proper spot in my life. Not that it isn’t important (because it most certainly is) but it isn’t my career, and I don’t think I really want it to be.

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